I Am… Verses I Am Not…

Hello! Here I go again journaling through my thoughts with you…

This weekend I was thinking about how we have people in our life that we are not Catholic enough for them. Then I thought about how that was funny because then we have other people in our lives that we are too Catholic or Christian for them. So, those of you that know me and have had conversations with me know that my mind or thoughts can go ON AND ON AND ON….

So, I then began thinking about ALL THE things about myself that are enough for some people in my life, but to others is not enough at all.

Let us see…

I am enough Mom for child 1 today, but not for children 2, 3, or 4. Tomorrow it will be some other combination.

Today my husband is perfectly happy with my not being the best meal planner, but last week he was looking for something to eat and yep mumbling under his breath.

Oh, then there are the parents that think we are doing great with the ‘grand kid raising’ one minute, then the next are all to willing to offer assistance.

How about that boss … happy one day, but the next wanting more.

What about those people who do not want to be around you because you are too good? I have in my life been told I need to drink more, I need to stop talking about God, I need to quit being just so nice, etc. Ummm….okay … could it just be that my spirit makes them uncomfortable? They are being moved to change, change is hard, so they ignore it, but being around someone who has those good habits makes them uncomfortable. Many times they/we do not even know why that is why we don’t want to be around someone.

Do you see how this list could go on and on. How about adding in our OWN self-talk. Geez…who do you think is harder to make happy them or yourself?

Anyway … not sure my rambling has a point to it other than I am pretty sure we all FAIL everyday. EACH. AND. EVERY. DAY. We have all told ourselves and heard how we can not possibly make everyone happy all of the time. Well, do we really believe it ALL the time? I know I have to remind myself at least once a day that it is okay that those friends are not my ‘close’ friends because I am not __________ enough for them. I am who am I am, because God has me on my own journey, which I ask the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me on each day. If as a result, I fail at being enough to someone on this journey, but am enough for Him each day then all will be okay.

We will NEVER be enough for ourselves or this world. Our flesh and their flesh are always wanting MORE … more time, more money, more food, more perfection, etc. People have expectations, they most likely have no clue they even hold, that get placed on us and we will never meet them. Thus, we can not be their friend, or the perfect parent, or the best spouse, etc. Please just understand in His eyes you ARE PERFECTION, you ARE ENOUGH, you WILL SUCCEED…. just keep your eyes on Him. Let go of the things of the past, the things of this world, and cling to Him and all He has waiting for you.

 

Ha … do you all realize I am 99% of the time talking to myself in these posts. Shoot sometimes yelling or crying. Keeping it all real.

As always I am praying for you. Would you please pray for me? Good Night!

A Moment

Just a moment can change your life. Everyone has defining moments. What are yours? Have you put them in perspective? Have you allowed them to define your life or you? Have you let them moment consume you?

See some people think that allowing a moment define you or your life means that you have allowed yourself to dwell on that moment. Not at all…dwelling on or living in means you have parked yourself in that moment. Having a defining moment or several moments means that you have experienced the moment to its fullest good or bad, then you have allowed God to use that moment to move you where He needed to move you. Have you felt God move you?

I have, but most of the time it is when I look back and I see that He moved me. When you are in a moment many times it can be so consuming that you might know He is there, but you simply do not know or feel Him working until time has past and you can look back.

Moments that forever change the way you look at or understand pretty much everything around you.

Moments that forever change the way you love people.

Moments that forever change what you believe to be true.

Moments that forever change the look in your eyes.

Moments that forever change things like what you read, eat, watch, etc.

Moments that forever change where you live.

Moments that change YOU and YOUR perspective…view of YOUR world.

My moments have made me the me I am today. My moments drive me and I feel God behind the wheel as He turns those moments…those defining moments…into something He is using for His plan.

So, look at your defining moments, leave them as the moment, and FEEL HIM working them for good.

Please Pray for me I am praying for you.

 

What is Their Love for You Rooted In?

It has been a few days since I shared anything with you and I am sorry, but with our weather and a head cold I have been trying to get through the MUST do’s of each day.

The other day my husband and I were talking about a day we have coming up that two kids would have to be somewhere at the same time, but in opposite directions AND it is a day that he worked the night before so will need to sleep. We discussed a strategy, which will work out beautifully. I even talked about it with the kids so they knew what to expect that day.

Later that day I was washing a few dishes, looking out a window into our back yard, and like my mind always does it wondered into a stream of thoughts. You know the kind that take you to somewhere glorious, but when you try to share it with someone they are all confused as to why you were thinking about that and how in the world one thought took you all the way to that final thought…you know, right? ANYWAY, I was looking out the window (I will spare you the thought trail) when eventually it occurred to me “I hope our kids are learning about our love for them by observing the sacrifices we make and not because of what they are gaining due to those sacrifices!”

First of all, with four children and a Daddy that works 6-7 days a week so Momma can stay home (I just had to break to dress a Barbie doll…I knew you would want to know) there are plenty of events that both or at least one parent cannot make it to. Whether it be because we are both running kids somewhere, or one is running and one is home with the others, or one is working/sleeping, or as in the case of horse riding Mom is severely allergic to the barn and cannot go in. It occurred to me that dish washing day that I hoped our kids choose not see us NOT there, but rather chose to see all the other stuff. Do they see how much Dad has to miss, because it was important Mom was home?  I hope they grasp how much of his income goes to pay for the activities they are in. I began reflecting on this and thinking I hope they would grow up to love us more for that and not grow up wondering why we were not always there.

Secondly, I hoped they were not growing up loving the stuff Daddy’s money bought them, but rather loving the time it took to earn that money and loving the fact that he willingly choose to spend it on their desires, dreams, and passions instead of his own. Or are they loving the recital costumes or riding equipment rather than the Daddy that worked really hard to earn the money to buy those things. Are they loving Mom for being there every day for them or for the time she gives up being her own person so she can do what God called her to do?

So, I reflected on this and thought the only way to ensure that our kids are seeing and getting all this that we desire for them is to ALWAYS talk to them. We talk to them sometimes people are baffled by our choice to explain things to kids. You know “They are the kids. You are the parent. They should just deal with it!” mentality? For whatever reason, we do not always take that route. We tell our kids how it is. That it is not all about money, but money is needed to pay bills and such. That we are a family and families work together to achieve the family goal first and then the individual goals.

They may not completely get it. They may wish Mom and Dad BOTH could be at everything, but we are a part of a team … and that they get and respect. They know Daddy doesn’t CHOOSE to work every day of the week because he wants to, but because Mom and Dad want other things for the family that require Daddy to work. As a result, they do not whine about where we are. They never question why someone isn’t there. They are grasping the idea that we all work together to clean house, do laundry, and get everyone everywhere they want to be. It is a TEAM effort.

Final thought…Is their love for you rooted in the fact that you were there or is it in the fact that they know why you were not? Do they love you because you bought them that prized toy or because they know what it took for you to buy it? Do they love you because you are there at practice all the time or because you made it happen for them to be at practice? I think they should understand it both ways and love/respect you for it all.

God Bless! I am praying for you please pray for me!

 

Sometimes In Life…

Do you ever have a saying, song, words, or phrase that just rolls around in your head? Sometimes for an hour, a day, a week, or goodness forever? Many times it gets almost annoying that whatever is in your head playing over and over again just will not quit.

Well, for about 6 months now at completely off the wall and random moments suddenly I find myself thinking or even speaking out loud the words “Sometimes in life…” and that is just were it stops….nothing comes after this. Well, you can imagine at this point my INFJ Empath Learner personality is analyzing this and wondering what sort of message I am supposed to be getting with this. What is it that isn’t quite getting through?

  • Sometimes in Life bad things happen.
  • Sometimes in Life good things happen.
  • Sometimes in Life things are not fair.
  • Sometimes in Life people play and win the lottery.
  • Sometimes in Life we wonder where God is.
  • Sometimes in Life we feel so low we can’t image ever rising again.
  • Sometimes in Life our heart breaks into tiny little pieces.
  • Sometimes in Life we find a person to put all those pieces back together.
  • Sometimes in Life we can run and run, but we will never escape.
  • Sometimes in Life there is someone there to catch us when we fall.
  • Sometimes in Life …

So, on we could go, right? Maybe I just figured out at least one reason this is in my head and as tears come to my eyes I realize we are all in the middle of a “Sometimes in Life…” moment. For some of us it is a painful moment, some it is joyous, or for some it is mundane. We are all there though…together…or we have all been there…together. Yes, right now in this moment I believe God created “Sometimes in Life…” moments to connect us in a common sense of empathy.

Do not withdrawal from those moments. He needs us to FEEL each moment to enable us to FEEL it with someone else later. Empathy (funny I mentioned Empath above when this thought hadn’t occurred to me until now) isn’t about understanding someone’s emotion it is about SHARING IN someone’s emotion. Feeling exactly how they feel. I believe today not everyone has this ability and I believe it is because we stopped allowing others and our selves to truly FEEL the emotions as they come. Once we FEEL them we can let them go to God, but if we don’t they stay with us forever. They will forever be apart of us that is what enables us to feel with others, but they will not consume us. We will be allowed to move on to our next “Sometimes in Life…” moment.

Final Thought…FEEL whatever your heart and soul needs to feel.

God Bless! I am praying for you please pray for me!

Will You Be My Valentine?

Throughout my 41 years of life I have grown up on and shared with my girls the wonder of the Princess and Prince stories. As I have grown up I have read the many opinion’s about how WRONG it is to allow your daughter to have those false ideas about what relationships are or what a marriage is. I found myself wondering about that for … a moment….

See I LOVE romance. I LOVE watching chick-flicks. I LOVE watching all things princess with my girls. Yet, they also see me with their Daddy, who does not meet any of those romantic standards at all. He isn’t the buy my flowers, candy, or similar gifts. He doesn’t plan or organize spontaneous weekends away.  Believe you and me there are times when I have wondered why in the heck doesn’t he do these things. There are plenty of times I missed or longed for that in our relationship. PRAYER does wonders for things we feel we are missing out on. A funny thing happens when you pray for someone sometimes God shows you what YOU WERE MISSING the entire time.

My girls and I enjoy those movies. We also enjoy time talking about God’s will for our lives. They also see their Daddy and Mommy having a kiss or hug in the kitchen. They see Mom sit on Dads lap every once in awhile. They see us being silly. They see us working together to haul wood into the basement. They see their Dad cooking meals. They see their Dad changing their baby sister’s diaper. They see their Dad taking their Mom on a date…that yes Mom planned, but Dad is willing to go and spend time with their Mom. See they see us making time for each other; however, that maybe.

Even though my husband, their Dad, isn’t the sort to make a mix tape (ha!) for their Mom he is the type to love her, pray for her, work like hell to make her dreams come true, provide for her and their kids, work like hell to make THEIR dreams come true, and finally he is the type to grow and change to become a better man for us all.

Forever Blessed God brought me this amazing man to be my Valentine! Guess what….watching Princess movies and romantic movies did not ruin me or my relationship they just forced me to see that romance comes in MANY forms. My girls will learn they same thing.  Yet, in full disclosure Valentines Day isn’t much of anything in our home. Again, because

God Bless! Happy Valentines Day! I am praying for you please pray for me!

How to Handle a Party as an Introvert?

Many people I know are quite familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality test or those that are similar. So, I will refer to myself as an INFJ, which apparently is the rarest of types. You can Google INFJ and find all sorts of information about us and how we operate. That is not what this is about.

This evening my husband and I will be going out. We have a sitter and we are going to the home of some of our friends. Over the past 6 years we have gotten out very little due to our kid’s ages, sitter complications, and my husband working 2nd shift. Now we have found ourselves in a different season where we are enjoying date night more often. Typically, though he still has to work 6-7 days a week so we are usually out and about on our own and still missing group gatherings. I will be horribly honest here I really don’t mind missing events with people. People and the thought of people give me anxiety. My dear friend, also an INFJ, calls me an out-going introvert. She thinks I am much more comfortable with people that she is so thus the name. Yet, I think what helps me is years of being surrounded by STRONG extrovert personalities and the fact that according to Now Know Your Strengths I am a Learner. This is about as true as my Introvert self I do LOVE to learn. So, people are one of the things I LOVE to learn about and to learn from.

Back to the party though … AUGH … I am excited to chat with friends we have not seen in a while, but the whole thought of going brings anxiety. If you have never experienced anxiety you are lucky. Those butterflies in your tummy. The thoughts of walking into a room filled with people. Then for me as an Empath the energy that just gets drained from me. Have you ever heard someone say “People exhaust me”? Well, they do. It is not intended to be a mean statement I love people, but to explain that statement is something that is best understood through experience. I guess I just get my understanding for other Empath’s.

We are already to do this evening and 90% of me is excited, but 10% of my is trying to come up with a reason to stay home. AGAIN, NOT BECAUSE we are stuck up or trying to avoid people, but just because we do not function … or I do not function at my best with lots of people. Most likely at large parties you will find me sitting at the same table all night or standing in the same location. I will talk myself into roaming and mingling and will do some of that, but then work myself back into some alone time. HA!

Final thoughts…just because someone appears to not be socializing doesn’t mean they are a snob or not having fun it might just mean they are like me and prefer to be on the sidelines at larger gatherings. After all, God made Extroverts to enjoy the lime light I will let them!

Understanding personality types is a huge benefit to ALL RELATIONSHIPS I highly recommend it.

God Bless! I am praying for you please pray for me!

One Day At A Time…

I wrote this title MONTHS ago. You know how many times people say this to themselves or others in a lifetime. I am guessing many times in a DAY. So, this blogger has been quiet for quite some time. I can honestly say it is because the “voices” around me were louder then my own voice and more importantly the voice of the Holy Spirit. I reached a point where I couldn’t hear direction anymore. That may sound funny to some of you and REAL to others. For me it is my reality to look back on my life and really see the times that I was the happiest were the times when things were quiet….times when I was writing in my journal every night…times when I was just reading His word…times when I was reading…times when I was taking time to myself allowing my mind to take a break.

So, over the past couple of months of my quiet time I have realized that this blog is just going to not have a focus at all. Have you ever let things carry you away? Or let the ASSUMED perceptions of others change your direction? Well, I struggle with that a great deal. I have very strong convictions, but I also want the best. So, in many ways I am like my #3 child that wants to try everything. This is where the “voices” around my became a problem. Yet, my heart and soul knew exactly the direction I was supposed to be headed. As a result, I was in a tug of war between my true self where God was leading me and with what it looked like I should be doing. Not sure if that makes sense, but I needed to quiet things down and listen.

Going forward this blog will be going back to whatever comes to mind each night … HOPEFULLY. ALSO, I WILL NOT BE EDITING and if that bothers you go read someone else’s blog. I am and always will be a writer of journals NOT a writer or an editor. I will not be worried about run on sentences, clauses, proper comma location, etc. I just feel like I need to share my thoughts as they come to mind.

Final thought for tonight … Are you struggling with direction? Do you have too many voices in your head? I promise if you turn to Him He will surprise you with a Love and Blessings all around you and before you know it you will have your direction. Just Take It One Day At A Time with Him leading you every step of the way!

God Bless! I am praying for you. Please pray for me.

Who, but God, Knew – Part 2

So, the joy of holding that blond blue eyed beautiful baby boy was nothing like I had ever known. Seeing in him parts of so many family members. Watching him grow to become a great joy in the lives of so many others. I remember having to go back to work and it broke my heart. As much as I loved teaching I wanted to raise my boy more. Yet, Gods plan is best and He needed that boy to spend time with his Grandpa and Grandma. Three years later Grandpa would go on to be with our Lord. When he was 1 year old Great Grandma passed away at the funeral home Grandpa told a friend of the family that having that little boy around each day was like getting his time back with his own boys. See Grandpa worked second shift many years and missed a great deal of time with his boys when they were little. God rewarded him for his work by giving him 3 years with our beautiful tenderhearted boy!

Around his first birthday we learned we were expecting again. So, we are now on our fourth pregnancy. All the thoughts of a boy or a girl ran through our hearts, minds, and words. We were excited. My husband at this point though preferred to keep things quiet after two miscarriages you learn how heart wrenching it is to tell people that you lost yet another child. I especially recall running into someone at the post office. They were all smiles and said “I heard you were expecting! Congratulations!!” Then I had to explain that we lost the baby. I felt very bad for this person as they were horrified, but they did absolutely nothing wrong! With all that said about 6 weeks again into the pregnancy we lost our third child. We sent another little soul to Heaven to with God.

At this point I need to add that a few of my co-workers knew every time we lost a child and in the case of the first two my students knew as well. I was sick and needed to run out of the classroom. I sort of felt like I needed to explain. I always felt so much love from them all after we lost a child. When we did have our boy they were all so wonderful. Giving us a shower and blessing us with gifts and prayers. I thank God for that love and support!

We mourned the loss of this third child. I recall lying in bed wondering what I was doing wrong. If I was being punished for something. Was I eating foods or drinking drinks that would causing something to happen, The entire time I was doing this I also KNEW it was nothing I did or wasn’t doing. I have since learned though that some blood type A women when deficient in selenium when carrying a boy are at higher risk of losing the baby. This research is in the early stages, but that which has been done is very extensive. What is the irony in this is that when looking at Blood Type Diet science blood type A’s are typically deficient in selenium. The research is done by two separate groups. So, that is probably another story.

We moved on like we did in the past. We continued to raise that blond haired boy to be all he could be. We also knew God would give us more babies. It was the desire of my heart I just knew He would see it through. Well, a few months later we were expecting again. This time our pregnancy had a good start. Then about 10 weeks I started spotting at work. I immediately went to the doctor and learned there was no heartbeat. Our sweet baby had died. The feeling was quite unreal to be laying there alone and have them tell you …to show you … there was no heartbeat. Then to go home to wait to have a DNC and still be vomiting. To still be sick …sick…sick…and know you were carrying your sweet baby that had died. One thing I think about now is how horrific this must have been for my amazing husband to watch me going through it all. How hard he must have prayed, but how alone too he must have felt. I am sure he never wanted to share his feelings with me. He wanted to be my shoulder. Certainly an amazing glorious husband he is and was to those babies that we never held. That our arms were eager to rock to sleep each night.

More about our journey another day.

God Bless you! Please pray for me I am praying for you!!

Who, but God, Knew About Our Journey to Parenthood – Part 1

Who, but God, knew that on the day we learned we were expecting our first child that six weeks later we would lose our precious child. The next six weeks were emotional as a friend of mine, who found out they were expecting about the same time as we did, ended up delivering a healthy baby girl. They were emotional as I went to the hospital lab once a week to have blood drawn to test my HCG levels to make sure my body naturally rid itself of the baby. Who, but God, knew how this whole concept would plant a seed that over the next 10 years either destroy me or propel me. I truly believe He knew, but I also believe He sent Angels, He placed people in my life, He put me places to hear words I needed to hear, and He led me to the place I am today. He used everything and everyone in my everyday life to change me, but I have only arrived to this place today by following His lead.

Who, but God, knew that when we lost our second baby 8 weeks after taking the test that I would spiral into a deeper inner hidden remorse. Six more weeks of HCG tests, students having babies, friends having babies, babies babies babies everywhere, but quietly we prayed, dreamed, cried, and hoped. During this time we were involved in a business that many people judged us for and were even upset by the decisions we were making. Yet, we were growing and changing in ways only God knew we would. We needed to be there for the sake of our marriage and for the sake of my faith. Who, but God, knew that when He led one couple to this same business, when He led them to grow and speak from stage to thousands of people, that our friend would say one line that saved me. It brought me to my knees in tears and has since been repeated by me to others that have been touched. Who, but God, knew that “God never gives you a dream so strong to take away. Just believe!” would be the one thing I held onto that would eventually pull me out of my despair. I KNEW HE would bless us with a child.

Who, but God, knew that it would be 4 1/2 years of marriage life, of people wondering if we wanted kids, of sending two babies we never met, we never held, or named to Heaven, before we would learn we were expecting a baby we would meet, we would hold, and we would name. That pregnancy was one day of prayers after another. I think I was filled with pure joy and fear at the same time. That fear would have consumed me IF I did not trust that this time God was answering our dream. Who, but God, knew that when we held that beautiful boy in our arms that ALL Thanks and Praise went to Him and only Him. Then came the question of “how many kids do you want” came. You know after five years of waiting and losing two my reply was “As many as the good Lord give’s us.” I meant it with every part of me. My joy would not come from how many, but from Him. It had, too. I must add though that hidden still inside of me was a mourning for those babies that went to Heaven.  Another post about coping with miscarriage will come at the end of this journey.

I am concluding this with saying that my Journey to His deliverance from the bondage of lose, fear, despair, guilt, and loneliness was just beginning. Who, but God, knew they amazing journey the Momma would be taken on.  Who, but God, knew that people would think she was an odd ball for her passionate faith, for her decisions, and she would struggle with this as well. Yet, she had no choice to love the God that made her dream come true with that blond haired blue eyed beautiful boy.

If You Love

Like I have stated before, but will repeat I am not an expert on anything. I read, journal, live, and think about it all. With that said here goes SOME of my thoughts lately. This “love” thing keeps coming up in my crazy mind and here is just another piece.

I have felt greatly the divisions in our world, country, and church all of which make me sad, but also hopeful for change. I guess I believe that only the greatest change or good can come from the greatest pits of despair. I feel like we are in some pretty great pits of despair.

In Jesus’ last days He gave us this,

“I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another. This is how all will know you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”  John 13:34-35

We Christians, or most of us, know this verse. Maybe not memorized or even know the chapter and verse. BUT we know it.  Others know all sorts of history and theology about where exactly Jesus was when he said it and every detail surrounding the moment.

Stepping away for a moment, but bringing it all together…I hope….

My Grandpa passed away on Christmas Day. On the day we celebrate the Lord’s love for us when He gave us his son, part of my family lost someone we loved. Just like Jesus’ birth was a blessing hidden in a manger my Grandpa’s death was a blessing hidden death. A quote of his that my family seems to be hanging on to in his passing was part of a toast that he shared with my brother at different holiday gatherings.

“You live and I never die.”

This evening while asking God to give me the words to write a post that I really did not feel like writing all I had were these two thoughts coming together. Before I connect them for you and even for me I need to stress two things about the verses that never sunk in for me until tonight. The first is AS I HAVE LOVED YOU … He died for us…He lived everyday for us…He sought ways to express His great love. Can I love people that way? Strangers? My enemies? The second is IF YOU HAVE LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER. See people will know we are a disciple IF WE HAVE LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER.  IF IF IF IF WE HAVE LOVE. No other way. The way people know that we know Jesus is if we LOVE them. How we express that love is simply HOW WE LIVE!  There we have it. To continue please allow me to substitute in a word in the scripture.

*I give you a new commandment: LIVE FOR one another. As I have LIVED for you, so you also should LIVE FOR one another. This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have LIVED for one another.

Now Jesus used the word love and He of course meant to. By NO MEANS do I EVER think to understand or assume anything about His meaning. Yet, I can not help, but think that if the way to SHOW people we are disciples is to love one another AND if we are to LOVE one another like He loved us. THEN wouldn’t we also have to LIVE like He did? Not perfect lives, but lives of and about LOVE. To Love someone means to Live for them.?.? Yes?? Then “We love and He never dies”.

So, can I love another like He loved me? How do we live for others to show love for others?